Last night I went to my first two hours of an eight week, plus retreat,"Stress Care" class. It is really a meditation class aimed to help one reach the "non-discursive" part of the brain. If I arrive, I will tell you, because I am quite sure my brain is faulty. It never turns off. Not even at 4:43am. Not even at 5:21am. Your brain is sleeping and at rest? Mine is hypothesizing about where I will be in three years and where I was three years ago. Another big part of the class is finding the beautiful thing called presence and learning about how to live without judging, or at least, not mixing say, eating a great meal, and judging its quality in the same bite. Of course, I wanted to point out, if the food was rotten, wouldn't it be essential to our vitality to judge it? Nothing is black and white, of course.
Anyway, there are seven of us in the class and we all seemed rather nervous. I realized a lot of my nerves were coming from the fact that I was not sure if I would be "good" at the class, which is telling in and of itself as to why I need to be there. I also realized as we were sitting in this circle how difficult it was for me to simply sit in the circle. I wanted to shift my weight or go to the bathroom or crack some joke to lighten the mood. However, after an hour and a half, I actually really did not want to leave. The teacher had this amazingly calm voice and when he was explaining concepts, he would look directly at me sometimes. I kept thinking, "I bet he can see how nervous I am inside. I bet he thinks, 'wow, thank god that little lady is in this class'." Again, good to take note of. Why be so self-aware?
We talked for a while about mindfulness and thoughts. We talked about the pesky thoughts that settle into your head and won't go away, the kind that keep resurfacing and cluttering the mind's ability to be present with something as simple as washing one's face. This really nice older guy said that he cannot sleep because he has done so much wrong in his life that he cannot forgive himself for his past. I felt so bad for him, because I was thinking, shit, I am only 32. Imagine how much regret this guy must have! I think I can't sleep?! In all seriousness, the old guy and I had a lot in common and the teacher was so helpful in terms of dealing with thoughts. He emphasized that you have to be "kind" and "compassionate" towards such thoughts, and thereby kind to yourself. He was saying, when such thoughts enter you do not try to kick them out of your head, but rather "be with" them. A way of "being with" them is by "inviting them to tea," but never "feeding them cake." Metaphorically, this was quite useful to me. "Come on in pesky thought, have some tea, drink a few sips with me..." and hopefully, tranquilly make your exit.
The hardest part of last night was doing sitting meditation. We sat at the edge of our chairs, with our feet flat on the floor and our backs straight. Our hands were placed on our knees. If you want to try this at home, I highly recommend it. I kid you not, it was so hard. I was sitting like that, thinking about the fact that I was sitting, feeling that I was sitting, wondering if everyone thought I looked weird (why would they care?! Good-bye, narcissism), and hoping I did not suddenly fall out of the chair. Then the teacher told us how to meditate. I picked a spot on the wall to gaze at and I began paying attention to my breath, as he suggested. I put my hand on my stomach and felt myself breathe in and out and in and out.
For the first minute or so, I was really into it. I mean, I don't think I was actually "thinking"! It was a small miracle. But of course, suddenly, I got completely afraid. If I were not thinking, if I were not telling myself something about myself or about someone else or about tomorrow or about yesterday or about that evening or about my dissertation....then who the hell was I?! And what in god's name was I "doing"? For the rest of the time, I tried to regain a minute of peace, but it was thought after thought after thought as I tried to recenter and focus on my breathing. Chime chime. Finally it was over after an endless four minutes! And to think, people go for days!
We all shared our thoughts on the experience and all of us had the same reaction: stiff spines, inability to concentrate, fear of "letting go", intrusive thoughts, thoughts of needing to go to the gym, it was really quite amusing.
When we left, I felt very different already. I did not turn my cell phone on when I walked home, and tried to think about my steps on the sidewalk. I actually ended up crying and crying when I got in the door, not because I had discovered anything bad about myself, but simply because I had discovered how much work I have to do in terms of sitting still and being. I want to be able to sit in a chair and enjoy it, or wash my face and feel the soap, or eat dinner and actually taste the food. I really do want to access a part of my brain that is not about telling stories or creating narratives or about feeling this way or that. I want to access that place where I just be and feel the ground below me and the air in me.
Small steps. Lots of tea. And no cake! But I am really quite excited.
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