Flowers in the Air

I'm sitting here munching on a mix of Planter's peanuts and chocolate bits. It's a delicious combination, somewhat like an organic reese's peanut butter cup. And I have spent the day primarily by myself, besides a couple of hours, and done a significant amount of work on my dissertation and myself.

For the first time in a really long time, I have no idea where life will take me tomorrow, and I have no idea who or what I particularly desire. I opened so much up the last three years and explored areas of myself I had never explored before with intense depth and breadth. I had three people, very different people, tell me they loved me and that they thought I was amazing. Some meant it more than others. And I had three people, the same three people, tell me they actually had no idea what they really wanted and in fact, wished I would go away. And in the midst of that, I too went through ups and downs of total clarity and utter disillusionment, of saying too much and saying too little, of giving way too little and then giving way too much, of asking for presence and asking for absence. In a Planter's nutshell, it's time to regroup, retreat, and reevaluate the way I have been living because I cannot seem to get things right, mainly because I have been focusing on other people and not myself, and looking to others to solve problems that are at root, my own.

And so, yes, everything is somewhat in the air. But it's not a bad thing, now that I have some perspective. I'm not reacting to anything or anyone anymore. I am not caught up in other people's searches for self and familial peace, and I have a better relationship with my own family and friends than I have ever before in my life. So, I'm going to hang out in my clearing, plant my own flowers, and simply enjoy the pleasure of my own company.

Comments

[Elie]

Good post.